Why relationships need to be more than just about sex.

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Something I’ve always talked about with my husband when it came to our relationship. Being with the same person for over a decade, you learn so many things about them as well as yourself. You begin to change through the years. Your love grows deeper in different areas and not just in a sexual way.

Yes, I believe sexual intimacy is part of a relationship, but it should not be the sole purpose of it. Plus, intimacy is more than sex itself. You can be intimate in other ways. If you are in tune with your partner and their love language, intimacy can grow deeper.

For me, I had to learn to love in different ways. I was never taught how to love because I was neglected of love from the ones that gave me life. During my teenager years, I felt love was always expressed through sexual advances, not communication or services. I felt that in order to show someone I cared about them, I would have to give up myself physically in order to feel love. But that never ended in the way I had hoped. Many times, I was used and abused because I was so desperate for love, I allowed my morals to go down the drain in order to receive a little attention.

I was not in a healthy state of mind, and I searched for love in all the wrong places. I would dive my heart into men, alcohol, and toxic friends just to feel something other than the loneliness I was experiencing. Anything was better than nothing. But I don’t recommend that at all. I give it a 0/10. I had to learn the hard way that love for myself was never going to be found in the depths of someone else or even the bottle that I consumed. I had to find love for myself in order to love someone else.

When I met my husband, something in me changed. He was different. He showed me love in ways I never experienced. This was hard to believe at first. Every relationship prior to him was focused solely on physical needs, not mental needs. He wanted to grow with me. Help me fix my mental status. Pour into me the love I needed in order to succeed.

Something I am forever grateful for is having him walk into my life so unexpectedly. I can honestly say, we make a great team. From being two kids living the party life to becoming parents of 2 beautiful girls, and our lives are not even close to the same when we first started this journey.

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From our experiences, we had to learn to communicate with each other to figure out what our needs were. We had to be open about our problems and talk through it without getting physical or allowing our anger to take control.

Communication can be hard at first because if you don’t have an open mind, you probably won’t get anywhere with your partner. You have to listen to each other with respect and actually hear them. Apologizing comes with actions and not just words.

We have to let our ego go and learn from the mistakes we make with our partner. We can’t allow ourselves to stay in toxic behaviors. Sometimes we have to evaluate our own behaviors in order to work things through. We aren’t meant to be the same people as we were in the beginning of our relationship. Even sex shouldn’t be the same between us. We have to learn and grow with each other physically and mentally.

If you are not trying to make your relationship flourish with nourishing acts, it may fizzle out. You will develop resentment against your partner because they aren’t fulfilling your needs. I know as a parent and working through this whole parenthood journey, making time for your partner can be challenging. But you have to work for your relationship. You can’t expect one person to do it all.

It takes time for behaviors to change. It may seem boring work, but it matters. The little things matter when it comes to spending the rest of your life with someone. You have to work at it every single day. With the good and the bad, comes challenges that can be mentally exhausting. But here we are, still learning and growing with one another.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, or it shouldn’t be the number one priority. Look for a partner who can help you in times of need. Be there to nourish you when you feel worthless. Someone who will continue to speak life to you when you feel like living is the last thing you want.

Our relationship is far from perfect. There will alway be ups and downs. But don’t rely on the unrealistic expectations that society likes to put forth on relationships. Your relationship should be unique to you and your partner. Nobody needs to have an input on the choices you decide for yourselves. Sometimes people will never be happy for you and that is something we have to learn to accept.

Our relationship means something to us. We have to make sure we are doing what we feel is best for us. Other people should not have a say so in your own relationship.

*Disclaimer: If you are in a toxic/abusive relationship by any means, please seek professional help. You should not feel alone in this or endure more abuse. I cannot imagine the damage you are enduring or how scared you may feel. But there are many resources out there that can help you get through it and ultimately leave. Please don’t feel like you are stuck where you are. As a recoverer of mental/narcissistic abuse, you should never feel like you can’t get help. You are worthy of help.*