How to stop self-sabotaging your life.

Self-sabotage is a behavior which causes us to actively stop us from achieving our goals. Which our goals can vary between any stage in life. This could be with our careers, relationships, hobbies, or family.

Self-sabotage can stem from many things that may be present in our lives currently. Some may include:

Low self-worth.

This is when we lack the confidence or belief in ourselves. We think we aren’t worthy of our goals so we quit them. We feel we aren’t qualified enough or we don’t know what we are doing even when we do. The way we speak to ourselves is very negative, and we end up doing things that stop ourselves from actually achieving our greatness.

Fear.

We can talk ourselves out of many actions simply because we fear the unknown. We can fear both failure and success. The thought of actually achieving more and taking on more responsibilities can leave someone feeling as if they don’t deserve to be in this place. The same with failure. When we work so hard to get to a place we’ve been striving for and it doesn’t happen, we can talk ourselves out of continuing to pursue that goal. We basically let fear rule us and stop us from ever finishing what we started.

Placing blame on other people or events.

We may end up placing the blame to our failures on other people or events. We can get in the mindset that we didn’t succeed because of so and so or because this happened. We don’t take responsibility for our failures or actions. We need to be more understanding in the moment of failure and actually learn about the why it happened and what we can do better in order to achieve it next time. We don’t need to constantly blame others for what we did wrong. It will cause us to fall into negative self talk.

Self-sabotage is an adaptive behavior that could be caused by childhood trauma or toxic relationships. Basically you had to adapt in stressful situations that placed you in survival mode. You survived the challenges.

How do we know we are self-sabotaging? Well, have you ever noticed yourself going through a cycle of behaviors that causes you to have lower self esteem or confidence that leaves you feeling unworthy or stuck? Maybe you turn to comfort foods when feeling stressed. Maybe stop moving forward because you fear the success it brings. It can simply be us lacking trust or belief in ourselves that hinder us from actually accomplishing what we are working so hard for.

We need to help ourselves to identify these types of behaviors and become aware of them in the moment. It may not always be the easiest to point out because we will be putting ourselves out of our comfort zone.

Learn what triggers you.

Is it someone’s tone of voice? Maybe the way events are played out? Maybe it’s just because you are bored. When we get triggered, we tend to isolate ourselves and avoid dealing with the problems. Maybe the triggers cause a negative reaction. Noticing this and learning about our behaviors can allow us to open that door to solving the issue rather than allowing it to sabotage some more.

Get comfortable with the idea of failure.

We have to work on accepting failure and the realities that come with it. We can’t allow ourselves to avoid failure just by quitting on our goals. It won’t allow us to overcome that fear because we will always quit before we get to the good stuff. We have to accept failure and feel our emotions in that moment. Learn from it. Then make a plan to overcome it to move forward.

Start talking about it.

Do you notice behaviors of avoidance popping up? Maybe you notice the same cycle over and over again when it comes to working towards your goals or relationships. We have to take note of it and start discussing our issue with our partners or friends. Talk about the pattern and have help from someone you trust to get you through it. This may even help you to start denveloping healthier habits.

Questions you need to start asking yourself when you may be in the moment of self-sabotage:

1. What can I say to myself that is positive or encouraging?

2. What options do I have? Is there more than one way to accomplish my goal?

3. Can I build self-confidence by setting and achieving smaller goals, then tackle the bigger goals?

4. Is what I’m currently doing helping or hindering me in achieving my goals?

Keep in mind that recognizing your behaviors may be hard to accept, but remember we are always a work in progress. We are never destined to have certain behaviors forever. We are allowed to change and grow as we move through our journeys. We have so much more to learn about ourselves.

Just because of our past, we are not destined for failure as an individual in our future. Don’t allow others make you beleive that you are stuck. Keep pushing through and make the changes you need to get where you need to be.

Keep this quote in mind the next time you find yourself self-sabotaging.

“Be mindful of finding holes in joyful moments/ experiences. Your self-sabotage ways is stealing your joy. You deserve to experience the wholeness of good moments and finally give yourself a break from your negative self talk.” -Ash Alves