When life got rough, God humbled me.

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Knowing that God has made huge moves in my life, is such a humbling factor in my own sense of growth. There have been so many times where I wanted to keep control of everything in my life even when it was causing me so much pain on the inside.

I wanted to keep my old ways. Old friendships. Old relationships. Figuring that it was still part of who I was today. In all honesty, it is still part of who I am, but it’s not who I am becoming.

I went through my lowest point in life about 2 years ago. I demanded God to show me why He was putting me through the things he was. Why was the enemy taking so much of my life? I blamed God for putting me through so much pain for years, and I felt like it never would end. The abuse. The abandonment. The betrayal. The depression.

When I thought things were getting better, I was continuing to get smacked in the face of disappointment each turn I would take. But I finally realized that my biggest fear was being unfolded in my face. I was finally facing being all alone with my most dreadful thoughts.

Now this wasn’t God’s way of forcing me to be alone, but He wanted me to face Him alone.

He wanted me without the chatter of my friends. Without the judgement of those who continue to break me down. He wanted me to find my way to Him because He was the way for me to finally free myself from everything I was not becoming.

That meant leaving friendships behind. That meant to stop allowing others dictate how I should be healing or how I should be dealing with my problems. To finally stop listening to those who just want to bring me more harm than good.

It’s not their life, it’s mine. And God knew that. He knew I needed the help, and He did the very thing I dreaded doing. Facing my unhealed wounds head on.

It’s been a journey. It’s been heart wrenching. Tear dropping. Sobbing in the closet late in the night because I wanted to die so many times. Emotions I’ve suppressed for years finally was able to shine through.

I was able to see the light in my darkness instead of bandaging my pain with more bottomless solutions. I needed to get out of my own way because I was continuing to break myself into more pieces than I could handle.

Piece by piece I was breaking myself apart. Throwing away the good because all I seen was the bad. Forced myself to push away those that were only trying to help. Allowing myself to be my pain rather than heal it.

Trauma travels through our lives each and every day. If we don’t decide to deal with our demons, the trauma of our past will continue to haunt us daily. We can become our pain. We can relive our most hated memories. It will literally consume our minds and lives if we allow it. That’s why we have to heal our most sacred wounds.

Healing takes time though. I’ve learned that this specific process has no beginning nor an end. Healing will come as the sun rises and it will still be here as it sets. It will be here when the clouds pour down or when the daylight shines on. Healing will be ongoing for us in our own time.

You have to be willing to revisit those things that have caused us so much pain. Those hard emotions. Those dreadful memories that cringes our brain the very second it pops into your mind.

We have to be strong enough to leave those who continue to break you into pieces. We have to realize that we are not meant to be the same person we were 10 years ago. We don’t need to prove anything to anyone or anything for that matter. We don’t need to the be the judge in our own pain. We must sift through it with a conscious mind. We must feel safe while handling these delicate parts of our being. We need to be gentle with ourselves. Because nobody can do it for us except God and us.

Everybody has their issues. And we all have our habits. But it’s our choice to finally change what we need to in order to become the very person God wants us to be. We don’t need to depend on the world around us to dictate who we should be or how we should deal with our problems. We shouldn’t look to our phones for answers. We shouldn’t have to take advice from other hurt people. We don’t need to believe that our answer lies in some post that someone posted.

Many of our answers lie within His word. I’ve just been too stubborn and prideful to even look. I figured some book would tell me and that would be the end. But it’s not. It was never the end for me because I continued to search for answers through books and social media posts. Yea, some information was just that informative, but it didn’t cure the gaping hole of loneliness for me. It didn’t cure the abandonment I was feeling. It didn’t cure the betrayal and heartbreak I was experiencing. Only God can do that.

The anger that rose in me from my unresolved issues was my problem. The more hurt and pain I felt, the more I infected those around me. I became the very miserable person I swore I would never become. And that humbled me. Who would have thought a positive prance woman became the person who was completely miserable and depressed with life? All because I allowed the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy everything I ever worked so hard to accomplish in life, and that was my happiness.

I started praying, I asked God to do His way with me. I was ready for something. Anything. Just to feel different than I was because life as I knew it was in shambles. I was disgusted with my self. The very image I seen in the mirror brought me back to all the times I felt the most pain.

I felt like such a failure to my family, my husband, my children, and most of all myself. I’ve allowed the enemy to take away my joy and my happiness because of unresolved wounds I continued to carry.

I never thought I could overcome all the hurt I’ve experienced. And I couldn’t allow myself to continue to carry the burdens I was never meant to hurl with me along the way. It’s not my responsibility to carry the hurt of others. It’s not my fault that other hurt people hurt people. I had finally come to terms to let it all go. Let go of the baggage that I was hauling around. Let go of the pretending. Let go of the very person I was so afraid of becoming.

My pain hurt other people. My bleeding wounds bled onto those around me. I allowed so much of who I wasn’t dictate how others should view me. I believed the world when I should have believed God. He knows me best. Why was I allowing the world to show me things I know wasn’t true?

Healing is still happening. I’m still learning. I’m still forgiving. I’m still letting go. Some things just take time. Sometimes it’s not enough in this moment, but I know one day it will be.

I will be okay. I will get through it. For I know, God has me where He wants me. Seeking Him. Searching through His word. Finding peace where it matters most.

And He is there for you as well. Just you need to find His voice in the static of the world.