To the addict that I love

I know this is hard for me to talk about this topic, and I’m sure most of you feel the same way when it comes to talking about addiction with a family member or loved one.

It’s hard to watch loved ones succumb to such a habit. A habit in which it inhibits them from fully functioning in society sober. To be their true selves. To live life freely from their pain. To see themselves as worthy. Addiction changes not only the user, but the people that love them.

As a sibling and daughter of addicts, we see what they fail to see. The abuse and the situations they put us through are extremely hard to process. But yet we sometimes let it slide because we think “Oh they don’t know what they are doing, they are just high.” Or “They don’t mean what they say because they are high.”

Well, I’m a person of action. When you continuously disappoint me or betray me, there’s a problem. When I stop giving you what you want and you retaliate with hatred, there’s a problem. When you refuse to get help over and over again, there’s a problem.

Dealing with addicts for over 22 years of my life, I’m out of resources. I can no longer expel my energy to people who do nothing but use and abuse me to get what they want. But yet I still love them.

It’s hard to love an addict. It’s hard to deal with an addict. It’s even harder to let them go because their choices are more important than their family. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve seen first-hand what addiction can do to a family.

No matter how many times I try to see the light I still get burned by the deceit. No matter how many times I’ve prayed for God to come rescue them, I still see them struggle in their pain. For me it’s not easy to watch these things unfold. I have to make the tough decision to walk away.

I never want my family members to suffer. I’ve always wanted them to succeed or be the people I dreamed of them being. But then reality hits me. They don’t want to be that person, and I have to stop making these false expectations of them. They won’t change for me, so why would they change for themselves.

It’s really not about me in the first place, but I still get the brunt of the hate and betrayal. I still open my heart over and over again for it to be turned down each time. I try so hard to keep my hopes up thinking maybe this day will be different, but I have to grieve yet again of another season of let downs.

I love them but my love is not enough for them to change their ways. I’ve learned so many times that their high will always be number one rather than spending time with loved ones. I just have to accept it and move on.

But how? How can I be so cold hearted and just ignore their cries for help? Many people ask me this, yet they don’t understand my decisions to keep them out of my life. I still have my family to care for and protect. I can no longer accept the constant absence that happens over and over again. I went through it as a child asking where my mother is constantly because she was no where to be found. Or to wonder what happened to my sister. I can’t do that to my own kids and having to explain what is going on at such an innocent age. It’s heartbreaking.

But, I’ve had to learn to forgive them honestly. I had to let go of my hatred and my pain because I was literally tearing myself apart due to their choices. I had to stop blaming myself for their actions because it was not my fault. It never was my fault, but addicts love to blame others for their choices.

I may never know the reasons why they do what they do. I may never get an explanation on why their drug of choice seems to be superior. I may never understand their actions. And I’m totally okay with that. I stopped asking questions and start accepting that this is how they are. It seems harsh but I had to. I had to start healing my own heart and start living life with wholeness because their pain was not mine to carry.

I have been fighting so hard to keep myself from living the life they chose. And I understand everyone has a story. Everyone has their ways of doing things. Sometimes it gets the best of them. Sometimes it gets them out of the addiction. Everybody is different. But I can’t change someone who isn’t willing to change themselves.

To the addict I love, I’m sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I’m sorry that the choices you have made have led you here. Whatever you are dealing with, you need to make peace with it. The drug you choose to do, you have to decide that you don’t want it anymore. The places you stay, you have to decide to choose differently.

This life you are choosing right now is what is making you sick. I can no longer help you if you aren’t willing to help yourself. It’s not easy to see you in such a state that I prayed I would never have to see. My heart can no longer take the pain from you. My soul can no longer seek the solutions. My body is no longer capable of crying anymore over your absence.

I leave it to God to help you one day. I pray you can see that life is so much more than the drug you numb yourself with. I hope you realize that there’s more to live for than a high that you chase. Please remember that I will always love you.

You are still worthy. You are still loved. You still have life to live. You just need to see it with clarity and stop masking your problems with something so temporary.