I never thought I would be 1 in 9.

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I am 1 in 9 women who suffer from post-partum depression.

Last year after having my second baby, I thought things were going well. We just finished building our home and in the same week we delivered our precious baby girl. We ended up coming to a house still packed away in boxes.

Just that in itself can leave a momma feeling a bit anxious of not knowing where everything is and fresh postpartum hormones going on. I was not taking it too well, but I still pushed myself.

As we were getting into our normal routine, my husband and I talked about me leaving my full-time job. Being a full-time working mom for the last 4 years was all I knew. The thought of leaving my job was petrifying because I worried about our finances and how we were going to care for our newly family of 4. But we decided for me to stay home with the girls. So, a whole new norm for me was underway.

Becoming a mom of 2, moving into a new home, and leaving my full-time job that I worked so hard at, was a huge adjustment. I still thought it was going well. I was happy do not get me wrong. I had the chance of a lifetime to be home permanently to help raise my girls and experience things I missed out on with my first born.

Then it began. I started feeling overwhelmed with my duties. Having not 1 but 2 kids to take care of with no support from my parents, no support from friends (My 3 best friends abandoned me during my depression), and just the amount of guilt I felt for leaving my job.

I was no longer a financial provider but a caretaker. I was losing my sense of identity. I felt so lost. I felt so new. This was not helping at all even though I tried to push through, the thoughts kept coming back. “You are worthless. You don’t deserve this. You are useless. You don’t deserve to live.” The devil was working hard to break me. Oh, was he trying so hard to push me to end my life.

My husband was afraid to leave me, but he still had to work. I cried when the girls were occupied. I would hide in my closet and just scream and yell in my head. Let the tears fall like rain. That is when I heard God for the first time in years. At my weakest moment, He showed up. I felt an overwhelming amount of love pour into my heart. My tears finally stopped, and I just started praying out to Him to help me.

I was fighting so hard by myself to free myself from this hell, but it just wasn’t working. Everything I was doing was allowing me to distance myself even more from my reality. I was pushing away those trying to help me. I was feeding into the negative thoughts. Those dark thoughts of ending my life. It was scary. I was petrified on what my thoughts were doing to me.

By allowing God to show up for me and listening to His voice allowed me to seek help. I was able to open my heart again to the Lord. I was able to get past my fears of letting go of control and allow Him to have His way with me. It was hard at first but feeling that first sense of relief from praying through the darkness was the best feeling I felt in years.

I realized that I was never truly alone in this. I had to regain my faith and trust the Lord to guide me to the light again. I could not allow the devil to have his way with me anymore.

I started going to church. I got involved with a small group with local women. I am working hard to unlearn toxic habits and learn more beneficial ones. I am a work in progress, but God has me here for a purpose to serve Him in this world.

If you ever experience this type of depression, I urge you to reach out for help. Do not be afraid to ask someone or speak about it. Even though I lost people during this time, the Lord replaced the ones I lost with ones who have helped me get through my depression.

You are never alone in your struggles. You don’t need to feel like you have to handle everything by yourself. Don’t put that sort of responsibility on yourself. You have the Lord by your side with each step you take in life. You don’t ever have to feel like you are unworthy or worthless because that is the devil speaking.

Call out the lies. Speak truth. Pray it out. Don’t let the enemy play tricks on you. You are stronger than that. You are mightier than that. Used the Word to win against the war of the enemy.

Always trust in His plan because there is always something better on the other side. We may not want to let go of what we have because it is our comfort zone, or the fear of the unknown prevents us from following through.

Letting go of my pride allowed me to ask God for help. He allowed me to break but He rebuilt me to be even more beautiful than I was before.

“Don’t worry about anything. No matter what happens, tell God about everything. Ask and pray, and give thanks to Him. Philippians 4:6 NIRV